I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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