I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
