You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
