Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
