Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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