Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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