she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
