my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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