I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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