I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
