I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
