Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
