You're my little dorito
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
