Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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