woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
