i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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