My Higher Power is John Stamos
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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