She is in my trunk
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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