I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
