dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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