What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
