where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
