i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
