everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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