they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
