she woke up with a sticky ear
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
