Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
