yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
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I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize