I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
