TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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