I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
