Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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