Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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