I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
