saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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