you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
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I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
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His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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