i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
