You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
