I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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