im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
