i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
