I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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