dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize