i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
