he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
