sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
