Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
