my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
