Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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