I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
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I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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