Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
