I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
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Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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