Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
