She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
