I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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